Future and Past

So today was the day I've feared for some time now. It is easy to feel that oneself is not to blame as long as the verdict hasn't been spoken. But as the Career Service at my university urged me to finally end the days between certain failure of dissertation and irrational hope of somehow still being accepted as PhD-Candidate and I myself felt more and more irritated by the silence I had to write to a spokesman.
He replied today. Let's say I'm not happy with the nonchalant and blunt way of him telling me that I'm no longer part of that academic world there.
Well, at least now I can wage a war.  A war against the unfairness of it all.

Of course, there is always more than one - my own - truth can tell. I must accept that my work wasn't enough. Which is hard. I also am starting to understand that I would have finished it because I always finish the things I start. Not because I really, truly wanted it. That's even harder to get. In this tiny aspect I should feel grateful to the person that ended my travels here. But it hurts so much. To really have failed for the first time ever. It also helps to realize that in exactly one years time I would have been in exactly the same situation. Maybe I wouldn't have finished my thesis after all? Maybe I'd spent all year fantasizing about the book I really wanted to write?

Obviously asking "maybe if" isn't helping much. Still, I want to be able to look back later with the feeling that I did everything I could to turn my back on this chapter of my life in a satisfying way. Which means that I want the rather foggy circumstances of this development cleared in one way or another.

As for the future: I turn ahead and search for something I'll do with all my heart. Here I come people to better communication in the world and never let something like this happen again. Well...Maybe.
In the meantime, while I'm writing job applications, a novel (and a short story) and have other job hunting related things to do, I'm having tea.

Next post will be happier again and about the future topics of this blog.


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